Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Whadda Wednesday

Big day, full of emotion. Greg and I spent the day in closings—selling our current house, buying our new one. The guy moving into our place seemed nice, which is important, because I just might have walked out of the closing if I hadn't approved. I held it together for the most part, but at the end I cried. Tried really hard not to, but I just couldn't hold it in. We then did a walk-through on the new house, and I'm getting excited about it. It was 70 degrees today, and I could just imagine our spring and summer there. The backyard is a blank slate at the moment, and I'm having lots of fun planning our garden and resolving not to kill it (for once). Lots of possibility ahead …

Adding to the emotion of the day: Today is St. Patrick's Day, which is the day we said goodbye to my mother 14 years ago. She actually died a little after midnight on the 18th, but in my mind St. Patrick's Day and my mother's last day will always be linked. Which is sort of appropriate, because it was such an meaningful day for her during her life. Both her parents were Irish immigrants, and she was passionate about Irish politics, culture, politics, music—and did I mention politics? On St. Paddy's Day she'd take us into New York City for the parade, and later to the annual party at my aunt-once-removed Maggie's house, where there would be bagpipes, wonderful food, and lots of family and friends. Good memories.

Earlier this week, I had the most fantastic dream. I dreamt I saw my mother again. I can't remember whether the dream was that I learned she hadn't died, or just that I got a little extra time with her (dreams are magical that way, aren't they?), but either way we hugged for a good long time. That was it. I saw her, and we held each other, and it felt so perfectly real—exactly how I remember it felt to be held by her, but with far more visceral detail than I can recall in consciousness. The next day I tried to hug my kids as much as they'd let me; I so hope to be able to pass on to my children that comfort, that love, that feeling of home that was baked into every one of my mother's embraces. Isn't it incredible that 14 years later, I can still "feel" it like it was yesterday?

The day after that dream I also put a note on my to-do list: Schedule skin cancer screening. Because as good a mom's hugs can be in your subconscience, they sure are better in real life.

8 comments:

M and M said...

Amen, sistah.
I love being with my mom in my dreams too...thank you for sharing.

jayme said...

Congratulations on making it through a day with so many emotional triggers all rolled into one (and coming out of it with a brand new house!)

Your dream sounds absolutely lovely. I've never dreamed of my mom. I'm not sure how I would feel afterwards. The pain of losing her, and the repercussions of that loss are still really raw. I can hardly believe it's been 3.5 years!

Melissa said...

D- thanks for sharing. Your story brought tears to my eyes, and yes, we all need to remember to hug more and love more. Good luck in the new house!

Mark and Sarah said...

What a huge day...thanks for sharing.

sajbat said...

what a beautiful post, and a great dream to remember her with.

cathy said...

i remember being so relieved when the people who bought our house were funny and kind and not axe-murderers as far as we could tell. somehow that made all the difference when we left our house.

lovely tribute to your mother. how blessed you are to have had a dream like that. i cherish the few dreams i've had of my dad. cheers to you, your family, and new beginnings.

lisa said...

Wish I had hugged you harder yesterday. So excited for you with the new house, and looking forward to the garden!
Not sure I realized that your mother died within a month of my grandmother (who, was in many ways my mother, but I try to keep that quiet so as not to offend my mother, even though she did offer to sign adoption papers for my grandmother to officially take me). Anyway, I think your mother and my grandmother, Theresa Hickey, daughter of Irish immigrants and passionate about politics et al, would have gotten on well. And I do dream that I am with her and feel her with me during the day at times. I'm glad you feel that connection also.

Miriam Weidner said...

love you dear friend! i can count on one hand the number of dreams with my mom i've had; i know that feeling and am grateful you got that gift and shared it so gracefully xoxo